strucking fessed
Monday, January 14, 2008
Life has been an utter piece of crap these few days. Have been emo, angsty, sad, happy and so on and the whirlwind of emotions has really been exhausting. KI is somewhat settled, with minor tweaks here and there left to do but TSD...has been hellish. Had the first consultation today and got ripped apart. Gotta admit that it was deserved though. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to do a DS instead of taking the safer route of costume/makeup. But then again the grass is always greener on the other side.
However, no matter how much of a bitch I/S and Crit Comm is, the practicals these days have been amazing. Pretty exhausted from all the crying and screaming when things got too intense though but it was honestly cathartic, and considering my family situation now, it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. The anger that was pent up in me made me scream in a really high pitch (the last time I remember reaching that note was when a lizard ran over my hand years ago cause I normally can't scream) and I'm glad for it, though it made my throat unbelievably raw. Somehow, I think working physically, getting the emotions through the body (in other words, the outside-in approach) works for me. I get into that crouched position, hug my knees, think about well, stuff, and tears will come. Hmmm. Could be the practice for Night, Mother that helped as well. Anyways, seriously, I do love 07A06 and I hope we can continue losing all our silly inhibitions around each other to bond as a performing ensemble.
Sidenote: Across the Universe was amazing. I don't care about the reviews.
IRONY. Last year, in PAE, I deliberated and agonized over the decision to quit the choir. Then I joined back 5 days later. This year, while the J1s are having their PAE, I find myself now in the exact same position. But things are also different. The naivety, the inane joy, the freedom I didn't realise I had when I was J1--those are gone now. Extinguished. Poof. Now, it is the plain, hard and cold facts that I see before me. Everything clashing. May, June and July. It's sad but strategic choices have to be made even if it breaks my heart. When we live in a ruthlessly efficient society like this, logic has to outweigh passion. I was afraid the people I told would get together and lynch me. Thankfully they seemed* quite understanding. Two last hurdles to pass and the shit will hit the fan by Friday.
i love the music. i love the singing. i love the choir. but sacrifices have to be made i suppose? utilitarianism. the greater good. for my group. for myself. don't we just love it? *snorts*
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aureliaz out
@ |11:09 PM|
